‘Tis the season to be tralalalala jolly
… fa la la la la…lalalalalalalaaaaa…
Whatever.
Have you ever noticed that Christmas season multiplies everything by ten thousand million?? It magnifies everything to the ennnth degree of ridiculousness.
Such seriousness takes the fun outta Christmas.
Let’s practice the art of …. Take it easy.
Let’s have some fun.
I dare you to scream this out loud in the shopping mall …. CHILL it, peeps !
Yeah. I knew you and I would be friends. You are talking my kind of language. I could shop with you all the live long day.
We could hand out Xanax to shoppers ~ little chill pill candies. We’d wish everyone a hairy mistress errrh Merry Christmas. I think you and I could write a shopping mall survival guide.
Do you know what is great about a shopping mall at Christmas season? Neither do I.
10 Ways to Know if You are in a Shopping Mall during Christmas season :
1. Your hair is in permanent static cling mode.
2. It’s called a mall, because torture chamber was taken. Malls are like bad relationships. Every time you are in one, you want out.
3. People have big plates of crazy for lunch in the food court.
4. The smell of a cinnabon { Sin-a-bun } will definitely waif past your nose. Try with all your might not to eat it. Dare you. Double dog dare you. It’s a carbalicious danger zone. The sugar in that little hot mess can shut down your immune system for half a century, BUT you will get all your shopping done. It’s sugar dope.
5. Shopping for a dress to wear? Why are they all made with short sleeves and short hemlines? When did nylons go out of style? Why do your legs suddenly feel so white and hairy? For the record, I’m not doling out any pointers on nylons. I tried a pair on this morning. It was horrifying. I fell on my face twice. It’s like playing a game of twister in a booby-trapped legging of a straight jacket. Oh, you like nylons? Open your mouth,there’s something in there. It’s called bullshit.
6. I love malls. Not in a mall way. In a ‘I want to punch fellow shoppers in the face‘ way.
I want to plow people like an Ontario driveway in the winter. That bad.
I can say that with confidence. This is my driveway today…
If I can get out of my driveway, I can do anything !
7. I think all mall parking lots should come equipped with taser zappers to be used on people who steal parking spaces. We could be cowboy taser slingers. After the bastard fellow shopper steals the parking space, we could give them a 2 second warning. Move their beastly car or get tasered. I’m just kidding. Not really. Seriously.
You’re a weenie. And you might be my new best friend. I like how you roll.
8. Do you ever notice that malls force you to hide the bitchy tone in your face? You want to smack people, and yet you say “have a Merry Christmas”. Okay, maybe only Canadians do that. We are friendly, don’tcha know? This, coming from the gal who suggests tasers in parking lots. Hmmm. Ha!
9. Dear people in malls,
Kindness is always fashionable.
You should try that on for size.
Or get tasered.
Just sayin’.
10. Malls at Christmas time are why we drink. I like good things and dislike bad things … unless that bad thing is spiked eggnog.
Jonesin’ for an egg nog? It doesn’t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly still more room for rum. Drink that egg nog. You deserve it. You just survived a shopping mall.
Do you drink well with others? Don’t answer that. It’s a trick question. It’s Christmas time. Just drink.
Need some help? This is my favourite homemade baileys recipe in the whole wide world. Spike your coffee. Do the hustle. This baileys is d’bomb dot com. You will never buy bottled Bailey’s again. It’s that delicious. You know I wouldn’t lie to you. Not this week, anyway.
Click on the photo below for my get drunk secret family recipe :
[pinit]
You’re welcome.
Before you dip into that lusciousness and get looped, you should know that cool stuff happened on the internet. I couldn’t resist sharing …
“ What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. ”
Phyllis Diller
” The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. “
Johnny Carson
Want to get crafty? Snicker.
1. These plaster votives are dang sexy. Get crafty and make me one.
Here’s my address :
Lynne Knowlton
RR2 Durham,
Ontario, Canada
N0G 1R0
Send me a present or a Christmas card. In case you are wondering, I prefer pressies.
2. I tried this DIY of garland and christmas gift tags Hola. FAB.
3. This will make you want to run out and buy a wood burning kit. Okay, so I ran out and bought one. Make etched snowflake ornaments in birch. I only burnt my finger twenty-nine thousand times. Now you know why I drink. So there.
4. The simplicity of this paper bag and chalkboard advent calendar is saaahweet. I only just started mine this week and turned it into the 12 days of Christmas. I’m LATE. It’s official. I will be late for my own funeral.
‘Tis the season to check your balls and deck the halls.
Do it tipsy.
Ohhhh, and while you are tipsy…
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PS.
In case I haven’t told you lately, I love having you here. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for chilling on the bloggy with me.
Merry HoHo giddy up and goGo,
Happy Merry everything
Love from Miss.Chevious,
Share this blog post and spread the cheer with your peeps. Need a Christmas check list for a reminder?
Here you go, print a Christmas wish list for some jollies.
What are your goals this Christmas season? Share with sugar bear. Talk to me. I’m listening in the comment section. Tell me a funny story. I have the attention span of a cocker spaniel puppy. Make it a good one. No pressure, or anything.
My goal is to ;
Write less. Read more. Talk less. Listen more.
So far, it’s an epic fail. It is time to drink yet?
Leave me a comment or send me a present. The choice is all yours.
Note : I’m easy to send a gift to, I like everything.
