Get ready. This blog post is laced with sass. I’m going to give it to you damn straight. You might want to cover your ears.
I will be screaming throughout this entire blog post. Get your mad on.
Pretend all words are written in caps lock. Do you feel your inner growling grrrrhhh yet?!
Pierce your lips with a French ~ Pfffffttt.
Make an angry face.
Turn your nose up in the air.
Click your fingers in a Z formation.
Mad? Good. You should be.
A significant – monumental – global – mega problem is happening in the blogging world.
You may even spit. But just this once.
Houston, we have a problem :
This mofo problem applies to bloggers AND everyone who reads a blog.
E.v.e.r.y.o.n.e.
Bloggers are doing things to unwittingly punish you. It wastes your time. It hurts your brain. It forces you to remember passwords.
Ohmergerd, who remembers passwords?!!
It is a big pain in the buttocks.
Brace yourself. This shit is going down.
This is where the nasty rubber meets the road and burns a hot wheels track. A track on a bloggers ass.
Dear bloggers, Are you thankful when someone leaves a blog comment? You’d never know it, you turd. Peeps don’t know that you are thankful. Why? When they leave a comment for you, they never hear back from you again. Ever. Even if you DO reply to their comment, they don’t know it. Cray cray but true. Then you make them fill out a mother~fucking captcha. You need to fix that hot mess. You need to fix that NOW.
Uhhm. What the hell does this say?…..
Dear blog readers, You’re welcome.
PS. We need to start a wave against captcha. Arms up. WAVE. Look at the person beside you. Tell them to get their arms up in the air.
It all starts with you (and we need your help to smack captcha offenders in the head)
Bam.
Imagine this scenario:
Only 1 % of blog readers leave a comment.
Holy batman. That’s a rare breed. VERY.
I can guarantee you … one billion percent … that all bloggers luurve comments.
Truth.
Comments make us laugh. Comments make us cry. They make us think differently. They are the whipped cream to our pie.
And how do most bloggers thank you for that epic comment? With silence. Wtf?
Here’s how the blogging world works :
So what. You are a blogger. Now what?!!
One of the first signs of blogging success/happiness is that someone took the time to leave you a comment.
What a gem.
You should kiss them. No. Really.
Full on the lips.
Blog comments are d’bomb dot com. Then. Oh then. The dreaded THEN.
Radio silence. #Mofo.
Here’s the problem :
I bet, as a blogger… you DID reply to their comment on your blog. If not, your bad. If someone takes the time to leave a comment…. for cripes sake, REPLY.
Unless your name is Kim Kardashian. Then I get it. You are busy doing stupid things like naming your baby after a compass.
Let’s imagine, for this scenario ~ that you replied {whew, now I won’t need to slap you.}
Good job. Give yourself a high five.
Air guitar it out. Do some jumping jacks.
Whoop it up in a hoola hoop. Happy dance.
Then punch yourself in the face.
Note : That awesome soul that left you a comment in your blog has no freakin’ idea that you replied to their comment.
Nada.
Zip.
Zero.
You’re an idiot. Why? Because they didn’t receive a notification that you responded. Not an email. Not a word. Nothing. Just silence.
That is officially a one-way conversation. Therefore, not a conversation.
That convo is like talking to a wall. Facebook is the only place where it’s acceptable to talk to a wall.
Why didn’t they see your comment?
In order for them to see your reply, you are asking them to return to your blog… find that exact blog post… scroll through the comments… find their comment and your possible reply.
I’m exhausted just typing that.
Aren’t you exhausted? It gets worse.
Waaaaaaaay worse.
Not only do they not get a reply, you make them sign in to some secret society to leave a comment. A secret society that requires a password.
Oh.My.Word.
Why don’t you just ask them to do a triple flip swan dive off of a short pier?
And you thought that was bad. It’s bad alright. Really bad. It’s stinking bad when captcha enters the scene.
You are a douchebag when you involve captcha.
To top it all off … when they did leave that comment … you thank them by double whammy throat punching them with a captcha. Seriously?! Now I’m going to punch you for them.
Dear Captcha, I want to thumpcha. You suck. If captcha had a face, I would punch it. Bite me. Sincerely, Real people that hate that shit.
Want to know what happens when we see a captcha? We flail our arms up and down in the air. Captcha is a temper tantrum waiting to happen. It’s a mofo.
Leaving a blog comment should be all shits and giggles. NOT irritation and throat punching.
It’s a hot mess. Filling out the captcha is like asking you to salute the internet Gods while clicking your heels together and singing a song.
In tune. Painful.
Captcha = firing squad of mumble jumbled letters. Shoot me. Shoot me now.
After you fill out the bloody captcha and succeed (bless your heart) … look around and wait for a roar of applause.
Have a celebratory glass of Brandy. Crowds should cheer. Droves of people should pat you on your back.
Dear bloggers, Captcha = blog comment repellant. Do you want readers to leave a comment? Stop making it so bloody difficult for them. It should not be rocket science to leave a comment. Not. Not. Not. You do not, do not, do not, do not need captcha to fight spam like a super power. I warned you that I would scream throughout this blog post.
How to fight spam like a super hero:
One word : Akismet. Use it. Akismet will catch about 99.9999999999999 percent of your spam. Or something like that.
Best Comment Advice evvvvah :
Make leaving a comment easy. <— I freaking screamed that.
I belted it out with the loudest voice that I could muster up. LOUD. I said that so loud, my neck veins popped out like the incredible hulk.
Easy. EASY. EaSy.
The proof is in the pudding. My pudding.
I love to make it easy to leave a comment in this blog. If I could sit in your living room and help you type your comment ~ I would.
I’d hold your hand. I might even bring you a cold drink.
I’d probably redecorate your living room while you were typing the blog comment. But still. Imagine the fun we would have?
Imagine how good your living room would look ?!
Damn fine.
PS. If you have mice or squirrels, I’m not coming over. Stamped it. While I’m sitting in your living room, could you help a sista out with the quickest little survey on the face of the earth? Do it. I’m in a hollering mood. You’ve been warned fair and square.
The answer to the lunatic comment reply problem:
Don’t get caught blogging with your pants down.
Get a plugin called comment reply notification. If I could have written that in flashing lights, I would have. You will absolutely want to french kiss the comment reply notification plugin all the live long day. Actually, you’ll likely smother it in kisses and nibble it on the ear for at least a good five smoochy hours. The plugin will make your heart go pitter patter.
Yes, you will love it that much.
Note: I checked the plugin recently and noticed that it hasn’t been updated in a looooong time. Don’t let that scare you. It has worked like a charm for me for forever. Don’t break the plugin or I will beat you up.
Just sayin’.
Don’t believe me? Want to test it?
Leave me a comment. I will reply to you. My comment reply will land right smack in your email inbox. Like flipping magic. You won’t have to search for it. You won’t have to waste any time. Your email in box will be a happy place. Let’s get this partaaaay started. Leave a comment.
DO IT.
I’m bossy today. You won’t want to mess with that….AND…and… and….. while I’m being bossy, subscribe to the bloggy for free epic-ness delivered directly to YOU once a week. I make that easy too. I promise. If not, you can unsubscribe in about 2 seconds flat.
I will drink rum, but that’s okay. I like rum.
Talk to me. Talk to me…. Tap tap tap.
